Last night while trying to get to sleep, my brain randomly started thinking about those voice menus that all companies use these days to stop you talking to a human for as long as possible. Here in Montreal they nearly always start with something like:
Press 1 for French or 2 for English
I think to provide more variety, and maybe a bit of a challenge, more options should be added. For example:
- Press 1 for polite, friendly customer service. Prepare to wait.
- Press 2 for Colin, he’s our intern. He’s not paid yet, he’s had no training and he knows nothing. But he’s eager!
- Press 3 for Ranji. She’s from India. She knows everything about our company and is very smart but she speaks English and French with such a strong indian accent that you won’t understand a word.
- Press 4 for Marlene. She thinks she knows everything and will interrupt every sentence to give you the answer she thinks you need. None of her answers will help you.
- Press 5 for Bob. He will argue and disagree with everything you say. For Bob the customer is never right.
- Press 6 for Tina. She will patronize you and treat you like a five year old. She will explain everything in extreme detail, asking if you’re still following after every instruction. She will help you but it will take most of the day.
- Press 7 for Marie-Eve. She is Quebecois to the core and will give deliberately wrong answers if you insist she speak English.
- Press 8 for Mark. He’s our technical expert. He will assume you’re a complete idiot unless you mention Linux. He will put you on hold if his World of Warcraft character gets attacked, and may never come back.
- Press 9 for Charles. He’s a go-getter. He will help you, and at the same time persuade you to sign up for every product we offer, buy stock in our company and go on a date with him.
- Press 0 to speak to our receptionist, who will seem very helpful before transferring you to a random extension.
