4 Non Blogs

I’m off to attend a useless paper products trade show, and so I leave you with this:

A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and was fascinated with how the tricks were performed. Eventually, the parrot figured out how the tricks worked. Having figured out the tricks, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course, who should be by his side? The parrot.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego Waldo Mark?

The WTF photo quiz is back, only this time the W stands for where.

You can play here.

I just received a spam scam from a bastard fucker pretending to be the Red Cross. It’s an appeal for donations for victims of the Tsunami.

The email has a red background and has the following in small print at the bottom:

“Thanks to a new bill passed by Congress, your donations made through Jan. 31, 2005 for tsunami disaster relief are eligible for a tax deduction on your 2004 return.”

Beware of bastard fuckers exploiting this terrible tragedy.

-First McKibbins pubquiz of the year is tonight at 8pm. Ish. Really, really, really ish.

-We won’t be there as Kim, our third, is thick sick.

-I am going to eat the Nanaimo bar we saved for her.

-Paul is a googlin’ cheater

-I am wearing Mark’s long johns.

-I have more work to do than you could throw a woodchuck at.

-I’m not drunk.

When we were in Wellington on our honeymoon, we arrived back at our hotel room one day to find the door unlocked. Nothing was missing, so we assumed that cleaning staff had forgotten to lock the door when they left.
Not suprisingly, I was extremely pissed off and went to speak to the manager.

The next night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I reached for my hairbrush only find it full of black, coarse hair.
My hair is blonde and Mark’s is brown.

Strange, creepy, true.

There are three songs left unsolved, any takers?

Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 20 songs that play. [Or any line, as I did]
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

Yeah, yeah, we all know how to Google, but let’s not.

Hint: Mark asked if number 9 is that “singy talky guy”. Yes, yes it is.

4)
How many times have you woken up and prayed for the rain?
How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame?
Who gets to say?
Who gets to work and who gets to play?
I was always told at school, everybody should get the same.

9)
You know, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve already been to Paris,
I already been to Rome
And what did I do but miss my home?

17)
Everything will be just like you remember
Today won’t look as bad as it seemed
And though love’s become a dying ember
It will burn brighter than you ever dreamed

I am not really one for memes, but I like this one. I stole it from Paul.

Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 20 songs that play. [Or any line, as I did]
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

Yeah, yeah, we all know how to Google, but let’s not.

1)
I’d give you all of Sydney Harbour (all that land, all that water)
For that one sweet promenade

2)
I will come for you at night time
I will raise you from your sleep
I will kiss you in four places
I’ll go running along your street

3)
Well, so 1,2,3, take my hand and come with me
because you look so fine
and I really wanna make you mine.

4)
How many times have you woken up and prayed for the rain?
How many times have you seen the papers apportion the blame?
Who gets to say?
Who gets to work and who gets to play?
I was always told at school, everybody should get the same.

5)
I’d bring her gold and frankincense and myrrh
She thought that I was making fun of her
She made me feel I was fourteen again
That’s why she thinks it’s cooler if we’d just stay friends

6)
He’s drunk, he tastes
Like candy, he’s so beautiful
He’s so deep like dirty water
God, he’s awful

7)
Woke up this morning,
from the strangest dream
I was in the biggest army,
The world has ever seen

I’ve got you under my skin where the rain can’t get in
But if the sweat pours out, just shout
I’ll try to swim and pull you out

9)
You know, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve already been to Paris,
I already been to Rome
And what did I do but miss my home?

10)
My baby don’t mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know fo sho

11)
Why can’t I get just one kiss
Why can’t I get just one kiss
Believe me there’d be some things that I wouldn’t miss
But I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss

12)
My friend the communist
Holds meetings in his RV
I can’t afford his gas
So I’m stuck here watching TV

13)
Think of you with pipe and slippers
Think of her in bed
Laying there just watching telly
Then think of me instead

14)
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

15)
Strange and beautiful
Are the stars tonight
That dance around your head
In your eyes I see that perfect world
I hope that doesn’t sound too weird

16)
So long ago, I don’t remember when
That’s when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

17)
Everything will be just like you remember
Today won’t look as bad as it seemed
And though love’s become a dying ember
It will burn brighter than you ever dreamed

18)
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it’s done so far

19)
I’m an American, boys, and I’ve come a long way
I was born and bred in the USA
So listen up close, I’ve get something to say
Boys, I’m buying this round

20)
He said, “Son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces,
And knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
And if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I’ll give you some advice.”

If you are like me, you find washing your hands in most public washrooms annoying. Why exactly you might ask?

Well, most public washrooms don’t have paper towels, they have those lame-ass hand dryers that take forever to dry your hands. I don’t have the patience to stand there for long enough to get my hands completely dry so I usually end up wiping them on my jeans.

The other day, I was in a public washroom that had the mother of all hand dryers. This dryer was so powerful, it dried my hands in about 7 seconds. Seriously. I kept standing there with my hands under the dryer even after my hands were dry because not only was it quick, it was so powerful that it pushed the skin on my hands around like there were alien creatures scurrying about underneath. I was mesmerised.

And then all of a sudden I got really creeped out. So I ran away.

I’m going back tomorrow.

Everyone has a guilty pleasure, don’t they? For some people it’s their elaborate $tarbucks (or similar) morning coffee, the one with all the bells and whistles; extra foam, extra flavour, extra large, extra expensive. For others, *looks at Mark* it’s an extra-large, digital television decor-ruining boy toy of the technological variety complete with extra-ugly bigness, extra movie channels and extra DVR/PVR thingie things.

If I had to admit to mine, I’d have to say it would be my magazine subscriptions. Style at Home, Canadian House and Home, Canadian Home and Country, BBC Good Homes and Chatelaine.

Oh. And soup

So, what’s your guilty pleasure? And does it really make you feel guilty?.

Yes, it’s that time again.!

If you are in the Montreal area, and want to meet me (minus the oven mitt, but thankfully wearing pants) please join us tonight for the monthly pubquiz at Hurley’s Irish Pub.

Quiz starts at 8pm and our motley crew can be found upstairs in the back room. Just ask Dusty, the best waitress ever.

Maximum of four players to a team.. Each member of the winning team gets a $20.00 gift certificate for Hurley’s Irish Pub.

Be there, or, well, be somewhere else.

Today for work, I am wearing:

A white turtleneck
A very long t-shirt from New Zealand
A blue fleece vest
Fuzzy white socks
An oven mitt

Occasionally I accidentally read Anne Landers, or more correctly, Annie’s Mailbox as it is now called.

The terrible crisis in my most recent accidental reading was the following:

A woman bought an expensive perfume for her sister. There was a “gift with purchase” thing going on and the woman wanted to know if it was ok if she kept the bonus gift.

Holy fucking crap. Someone actually took the time to write a letter to ask if it was ok to keep something that she paid for.

Perhaps I will start a column. It might look something like this:

Dear Jen,

I would like to stick forks in my eyes, is this a good idea?

Signed,

Who Gives a Fork

Dear Who Gives a Fork,

No.

Dear Jen,

I love the internet! I love signing up for things and I love getting email, especially from foreigners in places like Nigeria. My friends say I shouldn’t be so quick to divulge personal and financial information, I see no harm in it. Who is right?

Signed,

I Heart AOL

Dear I Heart AOL,

Your friends are.

If you have a problem that is tearing you apart, please feel free to write to me.

“Let’s try homeparty fashionbly and have a joyful chat with nice fellow.
Daiso straws will produce you young party happily and exceedingly.”

The above appears on the lovely package of flexible drinking straws my brother Santa put in my Christmas stocking.

I hope it’s all true, especially the exceedingly part.

And if that amuses you the way it amuses me, then you will like this place.

Aieeeeeeee I referred to someone as a “nice young man” today - Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Ok, I didn’t actually say it, but I thought it.

Imagine you are working away at your desk. You are doing 10 things at once - spreadsheets, making and receiving international phone calls, composing an employemnt ad, sorting out some costing, etc…

What do you do when it all becomes too much? Why, you jump in the bath for a quick but relaxing soak and then put on your fuzzy flannel pyjamas and go back to your desk refreshed and relaxed and ready to tackle the next pile of crap that needs doing.

This is but one lovely advantage of working from home.

Can’t sleep because work is bothering you? Why bother making a nice cup of hot milk and then going back to bed when you can immediately attend to those things that were keeping you awake?

Working away on that last thing? Is it past 5 o’clock? No problem, it’s a short commute to the kitchen and living room, you’ll be done in a sec. Oh, wait, there’s time to slip in another little thing, oh, and wait, just this little thing too, it’ll only take a minute. Oh, is it 11:30 already? Crap!

These are the not-so-good things about working from home.

While my brother was visiting over the holidays, I discovered we have more in common than just the same parents.

I’ve always thought my brother was much more laid back than I am. Well, that may be true in certain areas but not so much in others.

As it turns out, we are both, shall we say, a little anal when it comes to doing (sorting) laundry and loading the dishwasher. We both frequently completely re-arrange a dishwasher loaded by our respective spouses. Also, my sister-in-law has been banned from doing the laundry.

After having this conversation about household hygiene, I proceeded to tell my brother about the cutlery drawer. He didn’t even bat an eyelash when I explained the details of its organisation.

Frighteningly, I could go on in in this vein - listing, categorising, and sub-dividing - ad nauseum, but I won’t.

So, what is (are) your quirk(s)?

Having fulfilled my promise regarding the story of the scare stick, it is now time to deliver on my promise about job hunting tips.

Of course, all you clever bloggers out there probably don’t need these tips, but just in case…

Tip #1

If you reply to an ad that contains a website, go look at the website BEFORE you submit your resumé. Obvious, innit?

Apparently not.

Tip #2

During the interview, do not imply that the interviewer is fat.
Obvious, innit?

Apparently not.

Tip #3

If you are fortunate enough to be granted an interview, DO NOT go on and on about how much you hate your current job and how your current boss yells at you.
Obvious, innit?

Apparently not.

Tip #4

If these tips come as a surprise to you, please do not send me your resumé.

Happy New Year!